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September 9th, 2007

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September 7th, 2007

11:34 pm - sion/tion the repression of my emotions are enough to shake my quiet soul the regression has made me question things further in an already confusing place depression sets in quickly after my decision has been made all do to the digression of our situation which is why I sit here and struggle I am currently in remission from these destructive circumstances and just when I felt like progression was being made I suffer from confusion hurt and realization every situation has a rationalization but when did I go too far Tonight i sit alone with the desperation that love really is enough My cognitive mind is whispering something to my heart but the separation is too vast and the day is too long Sleep deprivation is kicking in however I'm not able to solve this problem without any sort of resolution..... When did love become a cross word puzzle? Sometimes you don't have all of the answers because it's just too damn hard, but does anyone ever really get all of them, or are some facets of are unconscious soul never going to be fulfilled? what is good enough, what is complete, how much pain and suffer is too much? Can love ever be without pain or suffering? If I'm in this much pain I feel like the rewards have to be unfathomable. Why is it that I am so afraid to hurt people when all I do is end up hurting myself so much more. Why do I care about people who I'll never see again more than I do myself? Why am I a second class citizen in my own paradoxical universe. Current Location: still ohio Current Mood: nauseated

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September 6th, 2007

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09:46 pm - I wish someone would just understand I'm kind of convinced that life really couldn't be more fucked up right now. My mind is completely worn out from thinking about everything. One day I will write down all of my thoughts and I will sell a book...Right now I think I am the perfect canidate for therapy...my family doesn't get me...my friends don't get me...my boyfriend is everything in this world that I never wanted yet he understands me better than anyone in the entire world. Which makes things hard for a girl who was convinced she would have to marry for money one day because she would never find true love. why is it though that I am not afraid to hurt him? Why is it that right now I hate him..and I hate everyone else for not understanding my struggles right now. What is so fucked up is that without him I would never be where I am at now. And right now although my thoughts are completely array I am more convinced I know myself now than ever before. Which fucks with my mind even more. I thought that maybe I was wrong about us and him but how is it that he has changed my life in such a short amount of time..yet he's so fucking wrong for me. But really only astheticly so...I am 24 years old and I feel like I am back in high school living at home for this week. I adore my parents but they are not always right...they are not perfect beings. This lesson in and of itself is very hard to deal with. And I feel completely alone in this whole process. At this moment of time I have to believe that there is a reason for everything. If there is not than this world is much crueler than I ever anticipated. Did I find Jamie to learn a lesson about life? was it because he has made me a better person by allowing me to see people for who they are and not what they have or where they come from? This lesson alone I feel is some sort of gift because if I hadn't learned this lesson I would never be able to be the social worker I want to be. Did I meet him so that I could teach my parents that tolerance...teach them that I can have a life who was once in a gang..someone who has tatoos...someone who isn't the medina man they hoped I would find..but someone who would do anything for me. Maybe there is no right answer at this moment of time and maybe I think too much and I wondering too much and maybe it doesn't matter that people are mad at me for the decisions I make BECAUSE IT IS MY FUCKING LIFE...I am a good person I treat people with respect and dignity I pay it forward everyday..so does it matter what people think? Why am I so afraid to disappoint people? bc I am afraid to hurt people...why does it matter.By worrying so much about hurting other people I am hurting myself. Physically emotionally...this is where I see a problem in my relationship. If I had a good relationship I wouldnt feel so alone but maybe I need to feel alone to become the person I need to be. I just think it's funny how we're all liars. Current Location: Ohio Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Mr. Cash

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March 13th, 2007

11:10 pm - And how... And how do you say to a child that I am sorry that you are beaten at home but I tried to stop it and I failed? And how do you say to a child I am sorry that you cut yourself to release the pain but I use chemicals to affect my sad moods? And how to you say to a child I am sorry I couldn’t make the time to speak to you so you will be punished for it? And how do you say to a child I am sorry you think of suicide as a way out but I once thought about it when I was your age? And how do you say to a child that I am sorry you are sad she was inconsiderate but she is jealous of who you are and the independence that you hold? And HOW DO YOU SAY TO A CHILD I am sorry that I don’t have the answers to the pain the pain that you endure? And how do you explain that the color of my skin is a conflict of interest for your parents? And how do you say I am sorry to a child that their uniqueness is getting them harassment and abuse from fellow classmates? And how do you look into a child’s eyes and see their pain and be able to walk away from it at the end of the day? And how do you say to your neighbor I am sorry that you are so depressed but I don’t have the time or energy to deal with it right now? And how do you tell your parents that you have failed them because you are not what the expected you to be, as a human being? And how do you let down an entire group of youth because you only have so much time to affect their lives the way you hoped to? And how do you explain to a parent that their child is afraid to go home because they don’t want to see the belt? And how do you explain to everyone that you are not perfect and that you don’t have the answers to everyone’s never-ending questions? And how do you tell your friend that you are sorry that her life was so tough but you are willing to hold her hand now and share the pain of her past? And how do you explain to your four legged confidant that you are leaving for awhile but not to worry you will be back soon? And how do I tell the boy who only speaks to me in confidence that I am the only adult that has never let him down that you are sorry you had to write him up? And how do you express to the DCFS worker that your case is more important than any other child’s that they have heard in that day? And how can I sleep tonight with all these burdens weighing me down...carrying on in the back of my mind? And I am okay being alone tonight and tomorrow and I am okay with the sadness within, but I am not okay with the pain of these children... Current Mood: depressed

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February 16th, 2007

10:05 pm - Blue Sometimes I think I have everything going on...I think I have some sort of hold on what is going on in my life. A superficial hold perhaps but some grasp on reality and then I fall again. From where did I fall I am unsure...and when did I fall also I don’t know for sure. But I am back down And if men think that blue balls are a guilt trip...it isn’t going to get the legs spread they should try being a girl for a few hours. The constant worrying... the tears the emotions the pain...the overwhelming let down which is eventually going to occur...blue balls has got nothing to me only prompting me to inhale harder to stay stronger to remain true to my own convictions. You can’t buy my love sweetheart all you can do is buy me a drink. Perhaps there is something fundamentally wrong with my personal construction. I wish I could let someone in, but it is too much. Too much work too much let down too much. So tonight I sit alone and I wonder what he is doing, what he is thinking. Have I crosses his mind the way he is always on mine. Looking back I am wondering did I really tell him that intimate detail of my life. The let down of the drinks that consumed the man who I am from, the horror of the cancer cells that invaded my body, the truth of why it hurts me to think of the past experiences I have had with dying loved ones, did I really share stories about the children I have worked with, the experiences I have had. Now I am alone and vulnerable. I have no idea how this story will turn out and I am scared\d. I told him how I was once a princess in my grandma’s eyes I was youthful and beautiful and then I turned into something to her which I was not. The pain I endured being young and being told I was no good. Going every weekend to visit her while she died a little bit more each week. And no one understands how hard that was for a child, who didn’t understand the world. A child who just wanted to let her know I loved her, and she would constantly tell me I was fat, a slut, dumb, no good. These things were so long ago and yet they feel like fresh wound. Revisiting this stage is still hard for me, but I shared it with him. And now I am here, drink in my hand on a Friday night. Resembling my father more and more and more and more. Wondering if I will ever be able to say that I am in love again, or if I will remain alone. Are my standards for what I want in a man too high, but he fits in them so nicely. Last night I drank too, and I opened up to some friends. Shared a bit of info with them about me. After they left I sat on my back porch and bawled my eyes out. Then I hugged the toilet looked at some pictures of his face and passed out. The pain is so overwhelming that it has startled me. Shaken me up a bit. Prompting me to continue with the drink in hand. One day I will figure it all out I swear, one day it will make sense. Current Location: the apt Current Mood: confused

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January 30th, 2007

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January 3rd, 2007

11:43 pm - It's that time of year! My New Years Resolutions: * Work on cultural sensitivity...and stop asking everyone how their Christmas was because I am no longer in Ohio where the whole population I grew up with were WASPs...happy holidays and so forth is what is more appropriate * Read more for pleasure...and stop watching the same MTV episodes over and over again * Read more for classes and perhaps take more notes because opening a book at the end of the quarter is probably not okay for graduate school * Get back into shape...I will not say lose x amount of pounds because that is not what I am concerned about I wantto be tight again and have a leaner figure which is possible...I will do Pilates again...walk Liam more..And do spinning again...perhaps boot camps as well?? * Don’t sweat the small stuff...something my parents have told me for years and even appropriately bought me a book with the same title...I need to stop taking things so personally and realize the Universe is random and God is not in fact out to get me..Although I do still believe in Karma...so you mother fuckers who have bad karma I would watch out! * Enjoy the little things and stop rushing life... * Be more honest with myself and others..honesty is the best policy * Be more assertive and being assertive does not equal being a bitch! * Take Liam on more walks to not only rid him of his insane amounts of energy but also to get some serious exercise...more walks by the Lake * Meet new people! I always like to meet new people, this never changes * Learn how to cook...and start to eat healthy again..Fresh fruits and veggies no more frozen pizzas...no more hot dogs..And only occasionally have taco bell...(come on it is unrealistic to completely swear off Taco bell for a whole year! E coli and all! I am a loyal costumer) * Only continue relationships with people that are positive, real, and healthy...I am not going to keep friends who do not value our friendship the way that I do..I will not be the only one contributing to the relationship because I am too old of superficial relationships * My new plan is to kill them with kindness....those people at U of C who don’t like me because I am not exactly like them..well I am going to smile, be polite and go about my business...I started today with the girl who always gives me mean looks in class...I think it worked! * Learn how to use a curling iron and overcome my fear of them! * Never compromise who I am, my values and ethics for anyone or anything...I don’t think I have really but I am just proposing that I will never do it! I am me..And that is okay I am imperfect but I am alright with it..and if you aren’t oh well * Meet and Marry Daniel Craig...or Jake Gyllenhaal...whoever comes my way first! * Do more good deeds for the homeless people in Chicago! I started the other day by giving the rest of my hot chocolate to a homeless man on Michigan Ave with only four fingers on both hands...it made me feel good to give him something warm on a cold day..I want to do more good things! Current Mood: enthralled Current Music: Lily Allen

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December 22nd, 2006

01:00 am - holiday time These are the nights I tend to sleep the worst…I feel like my mind is racing but no thoughts are actually forming. At an older age I begin to loath the holiday season. When I was younger we had a routine that was untouched for many years, for my childhood years it always stayed the same. I guess I never realized how lucky I truly was. This year there are several changes, and being a human not fond of change this worries me. The biggest change is this is the first Christmas with out majrle. This probably doesn’t mean much to anyone else but it means a lot to me, we put the Christmas decorations up on the tree tonight and his ornament was there and he wasn’t. He won’t be there Christmas eve to play with uncle Bruce or to wear silly reindeer antlers and he won’t be in my bedroom sleeping with me the night before Christmas…he won’t be there while we open presents, or to receive his. He won’t be there at all…..the second biggest change is that my grandma won’t be released out of the hospital until two days after Christmas. She will miss her great grandson’s first Christmas, she will miss the Christmas at her first grandchild’s home, and she will miss it and be lying in a sterile lonely place. I am not a creature of change but I am slowly learning to try and go with the flow, but that isn’t really me. This holiday season I became a young woman in deed…I picked up the slack while things were falling under for my mother, I held my mothers hand as she cried, and I empathized with the many problems my family faced. I want to go back to believing Santa was coming in the morning, back to the days Christmas eve meant going to church and than coming back to see what Santa and his reindeer brought. I want to pretend that I don’t feel so fucking lonely sitting in this cold room, alone at 1 am. I want to go back to the days where my young cousin was just annoying and not an arsine. I assume every family has it’s dysfunctional half, or else it wouldn’t make it truly feel like a family. I am aching to go back to a habit that could have killed me, which burns when it goes down but sooths my nerves in an instant. But I know this habit won’t save the holiday…I thought I would be in competition this year with my brothers since I am attending a very prestigious highly ranked graduate school…but I soon realize I could find a cure of cancer and still be the one who cleans the dishes while the adults socialize in the parlor. Tonight the words aren’t flowing through my fingertips in that eloquent manner I hoped they would, but my intentions are pure. I am going to go lay back down and dream of being some place new, like Ireland. Some place where no one knows me, and I know no one. And in the morning I will wake and be one day closer to Christmas and my anxieties and apprehensions will all coming flooding back to me, so happy holidays to all Current Mood: discontent

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November 22nd, 2006

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October 30th, 2006

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May 8th, 2006

11:58 pm - This is the real deal This is Me…. I am Maggie, Mags, Margaret….Margaret Ann if I am trouble… or Mag I am a woman I am afraid of letting my parents down I am open, and I have a big heart I am naïve and I always assume people have good intentions even though I have seen time and time again that not everyone does I put my family and friends before myself always I hate feet and toes..because my toes are so small I hate knees because I think they are shaped funny I cry when I see dead dogs and cats on the side of the road, and often get teary eyes when I see dead deer especially babies I am intelligent and can think for myself I have followed the golden rule since I was in grade school and am patiently waiting to reap the benefits of it….one day I believe in good and bad karma I only like hugs when they are real and sincere and hate them when they are planned and fake I don’t like being in crowded places I am slightly agoraphobic My mom is my best friend My parents are my idols and I am following in their footsteps I am an amazing listener and I believe it is truly a gift and talent to get people to open up to me the way they often do I used to be jealous of how amazingly talented my brothers are but now I am just proud, and I love them for being different and unique, I have looked up to them for years and truly believe they are a huge part of who I am and why I don’t need to conform to society’s popular trends and culture I talk to myself, especially when I am trying to work out a problem in my head I talk to my dogs like they understand what I am saying I am an extremely hard worker and have a hard time half-assing things I hate when I think people are mad at me, even if they are complete strangers Which is odd because I don’t care what people think of me, but I hate to offend people I don’t think I am better than anyone until they prove to me that I am I haven’t decided if I believe in a higher power or not yet…this is an ongoing conversation in my mind I think too much, and I over analyze everything I am amazing at finding the best in every and any situation for other people, but when it comes to myself I always go to the worst-case scenario I don’t like people to see me cry, but when I do cry I wish someone could see the pain in my eyes I am the youngest of three, and the only girl I am spoiled, but I think of it more as being fortunate and I appreciate every opportunity that I have been given…I am very grateful I go through episodes of depression these tend to occur when I have some sort of transition or when I am not working directly with clients who need my help I truly believe my purpose in life is to help those who can’t help themselves I only feel whole when I am able to help others I am sincere, honest, and genuine I am different, and unique and truly one of a kid I am a diamond in the ruff My eyes change colors when I change clothes I have made many mistakes in the past but I learn from them and try my damned hardest not to repeat them I can be moody but when I am I call myself out on it and apologize to the person I was short with I often live in my own little world and forget that not everything goes my way all of the time I don’t understand money and how it works, I am afraid to grow up and be responsible Although I will never admit it I am a hopeless romantic and I idolize my parents relationship, which has lasted for over 31 years I will never settle for someone who is less than perfect for me I truly believe I have a soul mate out there somewhere, and he will be everything I have ever dreamed of and more I will never compromise my values and morals for anything or anybody I am often stubborn and strong willed, but I am more than happy to compromise and make changes if they are explained properly I have big eyes, big lips..and a huge heart I sing too loudly and I believe I have a decent voice until the music is turned down I never want to be more than a drive away from my parents I am still in the process of learning about me and understanding who I am I am sarcastic and I forget when I meet new people that they don’t know me or my sense of humor I don’t laugh when people fall down I ask them if they are okay and then laugh I am far from perfect and I realize I have many flaws It infuriates me that Celebes and athletes get paid so much money for their talents but I work with the most helpless people and get paid shit I hate fur..and I hate J-lo for owning so many fur jackets I like music a lot because I can always find a song for any mood I am in I love art and photography and wish I could photograph the beauty I see in simple things I love to travel and have been all over the world and hope to go many more places I love Taco Bell and had a hard time when I went vegetarian for a few months I wish I had the stomach to go to med school so I could be a criminal psychiatrist I am a horrible speller My dream job would be to be a Supreme Court justice, but I don’t want to go to law school either I hated the fact my parents were so tough on me during school but now am so appreciative that they worked my ass off because I believe I have lived up to my potential My mom is my own personal counselor, she’s beautiful, and one of the most amazing people I have ever met and honestly have no idea where I would be without her My dad is extremely intelligent and I hope to be as accomplished as he is when I am older I have just come to realize how important it is to have a few close friends that I can always count on instead of having a whole bunch of friends who are selfish and uncaring I like to buy people presents when they are down, and often forget that my bank account is not endless I used to be scared of being single at the age of 22 but am now thankful and not as apprehensive as I once was because I realize I am young and have a lot more to learn about myself before I can fully give myself to someone I have a hard time trusting people completely, but always give people the benefit of the doubt anyway I don’t like compliments and am no good at receiving them I can be judgmental and catty I love bargain shopping and hate paying full price for anything I hate to go places alone and am nervous to go to Grad school I am a child at heart and prefer little kids things over adults things hands down I love to wear little kids t-shirts because I am small chested and they fit me better I am honestly disgustingly naïve and I don’t understand how people can be mean to one another, this is a major flaw of mine for lots of reasons and I am working on it I can’t stand hypocrites or double negatives they are my two biggest pet peeves I wished I was more aware of what is going on throughout the world When people first meet me I am shy and reserved which is funny because no one who knows me would say that about me I like meeting new people, because people interest me and I can talk about almost anything with anybody I can act interested in just about anything if it makes someone feel good to discuss it I use lists for everything so I can stay on track, and then when I am done with a task I feel like I have accomplished something when I cross it off I am rather out going and I don’t need alcohol to make me personable I was completely straight edge in high school, and still don’t do drugs I expect a lot from myself, and get angry if I don’t live up to my potential So this is me and I am still trying to figure myself out..but I am well aware this is a never ending process and that I have a lot more living to do and a lot more learning Current Location: School Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: a mix of everything

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May 4th, 2006

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April 23rd, 2006

01:19 pm - Unforgiving Walking down the street with a cane in my left hand I balance out the hypocrisy and deceit that form some sort of equilibrium in my lonely mind And as I walk past the overhead light in the darkened night it flickers slightly and everything goes black I am possessed with the demons that lie within my soul, my body is shaking and convulsions mixed with fear and torment spew from the crevice that was once used to tells lies and half truths to the sinners Fast approaching me is the dawn of a new era and this time I am putting away the golden heart I was given on my birthing For this cold unforgiving world is leaving me with a darkened sense of kindness and an untrusting soul Coping with pain and stress were never effortless matters for me, but I manage to form a sense of stability with a bottle and a stick One attacking my young flesh from the inside out the other creating the smile to fade ever so slightly forming lines of pain around my jaw You hold one hand out to help me up, but your foot is placed on the top of my lungs crushing the last breath of my childhood that I yearn so helplessly for And they came for you with white wings on their backs to soon and they possessed smiles of pure wickedness on their faces knowing they were killing a part of me with you And with the needle they injected you with the antidote to an eternal peace but with that push they took with you my last sense of innocence and left me with the pride of being a brutally honest creature of darkness Just like in the olden days I rule the homestead while the men take care of the finances and they carry their guns to kill themselves some game that’s main purpose is not for nutritional value but to make the men feel whole and while they fuck their whores, they tear the flesh of Adam and they ruin the beauty and humility of Eve leaving the apple obsolete And the fucking whores whisper stories of lust and passion into their ears making them believe, they are Gods and that immorality can be achieved Then the men return to their homes and they bleed out impurities from all orifices of their bodies and they spread their sickness to the ones who were once pure of heart leaving them frozen, naked and alone God is fucking laughing at you now, with your bible clutched in one hand and the body of Christ still dissolving slowly in your mouth Your imperfections will not be diminished in the span of one hour during your visit once a week You have annihilated the creation of this world leaving the formation of man and sin into a musical satire Please remember I have been repenting now for twenty-two years begging for the forgiveness of being born genuine in an unforgiving, cruel, bitter world And my sins have never been forgiven and no one has ever answered my many prays for like you I am completely alone, the only difference is that I know this to be the truth and you still wait for the answers to your questions Keep waiting foolish boy….keep waiting foolish girl….just keep waiting Current Location: my room at school Current Mood: morose Current Music: Radiohead

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April 12th, 2006

10:48 pm - distrust So the other day I was talking to a friend of mine and we were discussing my total lack of trust in people. So last night I was laying in bed unable to sleep and I was thinking why do I have such a hard time trusting people. I have never been cheated on by a guy really, no one had ever really broken my heart and than it dawned on me. I am being so one sided in only thinking a guy would hurt me and cause me to have such distrust. Than I started thinking about girls...girls who I thought were supposed to be my best friends who dicked me over. The first thought I had was when I was in middle school, sometimes I wouldn't get invited to the "movie nights" probably the lamest thing ever. But still these people were supposed to be my best friends, and they didn't invite me? Who the fuck did they think they were....but I wasn't the only one not always invited. Then sometimes the people who weren't always invited did get invited over me, so than I would have these friends who I thought understood me dick me over because they were now part of the in crowd. So that pretty much hurt a lot. Time moved on and I developed a new group of friends. So through the end of middle school and than into high school I had my best friends. No one else matter because I knew they had my back and I had theirs. Then something happened and I started to change and morph into a different person. And I don't blame them, but we could have handle things a lot differently. And backs were turned, cold shoulders given, and pain felt. I had this overwhelming feeling of hurt, betrayl and pain all over again. This time I had to take some blame. But something had happened. This one hurt but since I was somewhat to blame not as badly. And I do still miss those girls they were great girls, and they got me through some of the toughest years of my life. I wish them all the best, and I hope to see them soon so we can catch up. So through this time of high school I had some ups and downs with guys. Some had used me, I fell in love...he cheated on me I found out through an email, I cheated on him first he found out after I told him through an email. That was over. The end of high school I met some other great girls, my good friends now. They helped to rebuild my trust in people. Next I went off to the great wide world of Mercyhurst. Expecting this place to be entirely different than how it was I was so naive to think everyone would be friendly, and good hearted. SO this was another struggle. I kept a smile on my face for a year straight and I tried but that is fine, and I made a few good friends, but I was expecting more. So then came my second year of school, and I had some trouble with this year. I began my whole stage of self doubt, and self loathing. I wasn't fitting in like I wanted to, and some backs were turned, and I made it through alive. But I am not sure I was ever the same. Some more guys here and there, but after I broke up with my boyfriend of the time. I started to just be mean to guys, and some I would give the benefit of the doubt and not think they were complete pricks and others I would just be a bitch to. But the point is, well a few. One being through this time there were few people I could always count on to have my back, my family, mostly my mom, who was always just a phone call away, and my dog majrle. For 13 years I could have the worst day of my life, and I could come home in tears and he would always be there wagging his tail. My god I am sure this sounds lame to so many people, but he was always there for me. He had my back, and now he is gone. And instead of trying to deal with the pain I push it away, and it is fucking me up more than anything else. So I got sidetracker there. So my two faults are that I distrust people too often, and the other one being that I am much to naive. I always think people are going to treat me the way I treat them. I am sure I have had my share of back stabbing, and not always being the best friend, but I would never turn my back on someone, I would never make someone doubt who they are, and if I did I am sorry I was immature, and insecure. But this is me today, I am not going to stop trusting my good friends. But I am not always going to be so willing to go out on a limb for everyone. I know that I am not perfect, far from it. And I know that I make mistakes, but I am learning from them. The other point that is in my head right now that I need to get out and think about is, I lost one of my best friends a week ago, and I haven't dealt with it. I can't get close to my new puppy because he refuses to be house broken and my parents are still threatening to give him back. And I can't stand to feel anything right now. I am broken and am trying to pick myself back up, and figure my shit out..I am going to be Liam finally stopped whinning for a few minutes. And I didn't sleep last night. Current Location: My basement Current Mood: sad Current Music: classical to get the dog to shut up

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March 31st, 2006

11:11 pm - good bye my sweet angel rest in peace my baby dog If pain could take a human form it would look like the sadness sweeping across my face, If death were an easy matter to handle I would hold it in my hand and blow it a kiss, If I could turn myself into a sidewalk it would be much easier for you to walk all over me, If I could walk away from this life I would have run ten years ago in another direction. Stuck still in the way his eyes followed mine, I am now the slave to something that I don’t understand. I can’t stop the tears and the pain won’t stop following my trail I believe you would live forever, I believed you were my immortal angel But soon you will just be my angel, my sweet precious love, the love of my life Nothing will ever replace your eyes, your face, your presence, You’ll always be my angel in this world and the next...I love you Majrle you were the best dog anyone could ever ask for. I couldn't love an animal anymore than I love you, you were my best friend, the best listener, and you have stood by my side for 13 years. Go in peace my angel Fly into the heavens, when the shot is injected see my face, follow my lead and go An animal, my companion, a pet, my love, my darling, my baby dog A dog, a pet, a friend, a love, the completeness of my heart’s content My puppy, my eternal angel, my precious boy, my completeness The end is in sight only a few hours away, and I won’t be there to hold you sweet head in my lap as I have done in the past, But please know my sweet, sweet thing I will be there with you in spirit, And after tomorrow you will be here with me in spirit. Never will your memories be forgotten. The snow, the leaves, my unicorn, the sleepless nights, the tears I cried onto your soft fur, my baby unicorn. My little ball of fur, your sweet feet, your bandanas, my unicorn, my baby puppy. I will cry for months after you have past, and I will miss your body on my bed in those sleepless nights, I will miss your patience, your calm presence. And I know now my baby dog I need to say good bye, but I will never be able to say good bye to you. So instead I will say so long, sleep tight and remember my heart will always remain yours. You have captured the biggest part of me, kept me sane, and remained the love of my passionate heart. Sweet dreams my sweetheart, sleep well and take the pain of the horrible cancer away. Sleep well my baby dog and carry with you the memories we have made. Good night my baby, good night my Majrl Current Mood: crushed

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January 22nd, 2006

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November 8th, 2005

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October 12th, 2005

08:57 pm - Saves the Day I escape through my solitude through the sounds of music I inhale deeply and the nicotine is alluring, and I feel light I saw the image of God today in the bottom of a bottle of gin He smiled coyly at me, and I winked back with an amused smile across my face The world seems so large and I am only a small cluster of atoms that dance off one another to make me whole Your expectations of who I am, are far fetched and the look in your eye scares me The color of my eyes have changed since the last time I looked at myself They are lighter than before but lack that depth that they once held I am here away from reality and the sunshine is no longer warmth on my skin The greed and materialistic ways of this nation are overshadowing me and I am small once more I used to be a person of good moral character before the water came and swept me deep within its treacherous grasp I go back to the bottle, and hope that this disease doesn’t take me like it took them And I go back to the paper in-between my lips and inhale so deeply I draw in my soul and puff it out with the cancerous fumes Daddy’s little girl is wearing pumps, and a mini skirt and the boys all stare as she walks away Making her feel like less of a person with every threatening stare Maybe if you forget my face, than I would no longer let you down Without expectations you don’t have life, and without life you have what I am, here, now I stare up into the eyes of Frida, her own self-portrait And the truthfulness behind it is so brutally honest it hurts me to know someone, something could be so real The ugliness is so beautiful that I wish she would hold me as I cry and I her Current Mood: distressed Current Music: slience

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October 7th, 2005

03:05 am - I might be drunk but this is real Breast Cancer tried to take my mother’s life and I laughed in its face and she lived on Skin cancer attempted to eat my father alive, and he said fuck off A deadly car accident tried to take one of my best friends, but she got up and brushed it off Complications from years of smoking tried to claim my grandmother and she let it take a hold of her soul Brain cancer took my grandfather, and I lived a life without any grandpas I used to know a Mormon, he was a great guy and he went to live and love God and the war in Iraq decided it was his time I had a friend, we used to be best of friends, we wrote each other notes that said I will love you for ever, and she one day decided to pull out in front of a car I dated this guy back in eighth grade, he turned out to like drugs more than me, and he overdosed not too long ago This was this guy in my brother grade, he went to give blood one day and found out he had cancer, he died within months I don’t fear death; I have come to accept it will take me, like it has taken others. It is hit or miss with death, and sometimes I am more scared of living than dying. And that scares me. I am 22 years young and I look like I am about 12 I may not be very old, and I may not be all that wise but I have had life experiences and I am scared and I am shaking but I am sweating Tonight I tried to hide my pain with a few long islands and I woke up alone once more I am so fucking sick of looking for something that I am beginning to think does not exist Where could you be? Where am I? I don’t know who I am anymore, I look in the mirror and a stranger with heavy eyeliner on looks back I like the sight of their face, and their long dark locks, but I am afraid it isn’t me I miss my family, my security blanket, but they are scattered all over the world, and I am here in Erie, PA…fucking Erie. It rained tonight and I got wet, and I tripped and I thought to myself I fucking hate this place. I called home earlier and my dad told me I should go to Case, but I don’t want to go to Case. I owe it to myself to go somewhere fantastic. Somewhere close to the water. Lake Erie calms me when I am frightened but I want an ocean something big and wonderful I smoked like a chimney the other day, and I hate smoke. I drank like an alcoholic and I hate the taste of beer. I am scared I am losing grips with myself, I need a break. I need a vacation from myself. But where do you look when you can’t escape your own thoughts? I couldn’t sleep last night because my mind kept me awake. And I ask myself Why? Some woman asked me if I was a lesbian tonight because I wasn’t interested in her forty year old friend. Another older man walked by and growled at me, and I told him to fuck off. Another older man bite the air at me…….what the fuck……Heyyyy listen to what we’re not saying…let’s play a different game than what we’re playing……try to look at me and really see my heart…… Current Mood: discontent Current Music: My sad girl mix

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